


Doubt

by lavenderbees



Series: can't sleep [4]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Dramatic, Homophobia, M/M, Religion, Short, Teenagers, Whats the point, read it, um
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 11:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12011316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderbees/pseuds/lavenderbees
Summary: Feliciano has some doubts.





	Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> written in an hour left me feeling sour

 

Feliciano wrung his hands together nervously. His brother sat next to him, scribbling something down furiously in his black note journal. Their grandfather sat at the end of the row, flipping to different bible verses before they were even spoken of, like he had a telepathic connection with the priest. He listened intently, like the faithful Christian man he was. Their speaker’s booming voice filled the room with his sermon. Improper desires. Hell. Fire. A bead of sweat dripped off of his forehead and onto his starchy trousers.    
  
"We see from the Bible that our Lord condemns such heinous acts like adultery and homosexuality. If you act on these forbidden urges, then there no longer is any spot for you above in heaven!" 

The Italian felt like throwing up. The loud vindictive voice seemed to amplify with his headache. _**"Deaden your body members before the glory of God!"**_  
  
He was anxious to get out. As they all packed into their powder blue Ford Station Wagon, Lovino glanced over to his brother. "What is _wrong_ with you?" He whispered. "You've been sweating like a goddamn waterfall!”  
  
Feli shook his head and switched his eyes to watch his grandfather stare out upon the road. "I- I'll tell you later," he murmured. Lovino didn’t hesitate and shrugged like it didn’t really bother him anyways. The car felt stuffy. He wanted to listen to the radio, but he wouldn't dare ask the man in the driver's seat to turn it on.  
  
When they reached home, their grandfather dropped them off and notified them that he was going to work his night shift at the factory. He always worked the night shift. "Okay," Feli said, darting his eyes away when they made contact with the steely brown ones. "Have a good afternoon, Grandpa Roma."  
  
"Hm," the man muttered, climbing back into his car.  
  
Feli undid his tie with shaky fingers as he walked up the stairs and into their room. He started to unbutton his shirt and caught the one Lovino threw him from their drawers. The older brother pulled one over his head, as well. Feli's face blanched as he started to unbuckle his belt and shimmy out of his woolen dress pants. "W-What are you doing?!"  
  
"What are you talking about, Bastardo? I'm taking off my Sunday clothes like we do every afternoon after church! Why do you look as if you've seen a ghost?"  
  
"I'm sorry," he rushed out instantly. What was he thinking?  
  
"Why do you still have your slacks on?” Lovino snapped. “And why have you been acting so weird today?" 

Feli quickly removed his pants and pulled on some shorts made of flannel. "I haven't!" He yelped hastily.   
  
"Oh really? You've sweat about an ocean by now, and you aren't talking my ears off about how great Ludwig is." Feli followed him as he walked downstairs and into the kitchen to snatch a tomato from the fruit bowl. "On top of that, you're as pale as a sheet of fucking paper! I wasn't born today, Feli."   
  


“The saying is ‘I wasn’t born yesterday’," Feli corrected, naturally the brother out of the two of them that understood English better.   
  
"Same thing!" The teen hissed, taking a frustrated bite out of the red fruit in his hands. “Now what is it?”   
  
Feliciano gnawed on his lip. "It's- It's nothing.Really.”

Lovino sighed exasperatedly and waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, whatever."

  
  
At lunch the next day, he sat in the gym with Ludwig and Kiku for lunch period, not unlike every other day.   
  
"I made you some pasta!" He exclaimed, beaming. He handed the containers to Kiku, who took it politely like he did every day, and Ludwig, who stared at it unfavorably. The young Italian's bright smile faltered. How disgusting was that? Did he think it too girly?   
  
"Feliciano, how many times have I said that this is totally unnecessary?" The blonde muttered, but he took the container anyways and opened it up. "Thanks anyway," he spoke under his breath. He took a bite and swallowed.   
  
"It's good," he added after a while. The Japanese teen next to him nodded in agreement.   
  
Feli wanted to reach out and kiss him right then, to tell him that that was just a small act of affection that could never show the half of it, but instead, he just nodded and smiled

 

"I'm glad you like it, Luddy."

  
  


"Feli! Toni told me you were acting weird again in Algebra. What is up with you? This is your last chance to fess up before I tell Grandpa!"    
  
Feli's heart raced in his chest. Of course, Toni would notice. "I-" He tried to figure out a way to place his words.    
  
"Tell me, now!"   
  
"It's about... It's about the sermon that Father Muro gave Sunday."

Lovi looked mildly surprised. Feli complained about going to church ever since he could form words. He carried a general air of disregard every second of his days for most biblical things unless he was inside the holy building itself. He leaned on the kitchen counter and took a bite of his tomato as he waited for Feli to continue his sentence. When he didn't, he urged him on. "Well? What about it?"   
  
"I was thinking..." A large lump formed in Feli's throat that he struggled to speak around. "I like ladies, I swear I do, but I was... thinking..."   
  
"Every man likes ladies, dumbass!”   
  
"I like ladies, but..." Feli managed to lift his guilty eyes up to meet his brother's. "Do you think it's wrong if I don't want Ludwig as just a friend?"   
  
Lovino laughed around the tomato in his mouth. "Wrong? Ha! I wouldn't want the Potato Bastardo as my friend, either! I don't blame you." Feli's confidence fell through his socks.   
  
"No, Lovi, I mean that- I want him as more than a friend." The other teen's laughing was abruptly cut short. Feli's eyes dropped back down, like heavy pieces of copper. He knew his brother would react like this. 

_ "What?" _   
  
The shorter covered his face in shame. "I know, it's wrong but-" Lovino cut him off, pressing a hand against his forehead. "Are you feeling well today?"     
  
"No," Feli answered truthfully. "I can't even believe I'm saying this, but I- I mean it! At least, I think I do."   
  
Even though the two were alone in the house, Lovino glanced around quickly. "What do you mean? How do you know this isn't just you trying to be different? You have always been different. Maybe this is just a stupid phase!"   
  
"I know," whispered Feli. Tears welled in his amber eyes. "I know it might be."   
  
"Don't start the crying! You just dropped a bomb on me, and now you start crying? Are you _shitting_ me?!"   
  
"I'm sorry!" Feli yelped, wiping his eyes rapidly. "Maybe I don't mean it! May-”

"Ugh..." Lovino groaned. He stayed quiet for a long time. "You can't... You can't let anyone find this shit out. They'll think it unnatural. They'll treat you terribly. You definitely can't tell Grandpa- he'll send you away." 

 

Feli nodded in agreement, daring to raise his eyes.   
  
"Do you?" He asked quietly.   
  
"Do I what?"   
  
"Do you think it- Do you think it unnatural?"   
  
Lovi pursed his lips together, searching the fearful eyes in front of him. This was his brother; no matter how annoying Feli could be, and how loud and obnoxious he was, it was still his blood and flesh. He couldn't not care about his blood and flesh. He couldn't hate someone he's loved and lived alongside his whole life. That was unnatural.    
  
So what if he was a little turned around? So what if God might hate him now? It was his family.  

 

"No," he said finally. "I think you're just in love with somebody that nobody wants you to be in love with."   
  
Feli gave a shocked laugh before he started weeping all over again, grabbing onto the front of Lovino's shirt and staining it darker. "Grazie, Fratello," he sobbed. "Grazie, grazie, grazie!" Lovino patted his back awkwardly, slightly taken aback.   
  
  
"Okay, get off of me now.”

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know why i try anymore tbh


End file.
